Don’t hug me I have OCD

Slowly I have become less sociable.  I used to try to go out socialising most Friday nights in our local pubs because the people are friendly and it was always a good laugh to touch base with villagers.  I realised that I was only visiting one pub out of the choice of four or five, because it “felt safe”.

In my safe pub, I would choose a table that wasn’t in the mainstream of people walking past, I would have a meal and then feel able to stay at the table for drinks after.  The trouble with this new OCD approach to socialising is that not many of the people I used to speak to frequents this traditional pub, and the interactions I was having was becoming less and less.

My close friends who know I have OCD accommodates my liking for this one pub with a meal, meaning a safe table for the evening, but after doing this for well over a year I realised my friends wanted to circulate around the village pubs, but I was holding them back so ….

In an attempt to push my boundaries and not let my OCD win, last Friday I decided to be brave and to go to another pub that used to be my favourite as it’s lively, in fact too busy.  I’m not able to control the OCD method of seating and not being brushed past by other customers – I have to stand at the bar to be served a drink and then shuffle around the space at the bar with standing-room-only as lots of people brush past (not easy for me).

My anxiety raised as I entered but was pleased to see some familiar friendly faces that I haven’t spoken with for a very long time – they acknowledge me and headed over to chat.  The trouble is, these people don’t know (or haven’t registered or remembered) I have OCD, and therefore think it is acceptable to come over and hug me with a kiss on each cheek.  NO IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE TO ME.  Friendly and normal to most people, but horrendous to me with OCD.

Without offending or appearing miserably aloof, how can I reject the immediate, spontaneous, unwanted, hugs and kisses?  Men who have OCD usually need to deal with a hand shake, which I appreciate may be difficult for them, but women are usually greeted with a closer contact greeting.  It is such an invasion of my personal space I’m afraid.  People don’t even say “come here and give us a hug” or “it’s nice to see you, can I have a hug” which would give me the opportunity to explain – they just rush in for one at a speed that I can’t stop!

I try the usual tactics of trying to grab their hands as they go around my neck, but after a weird half-hand-shake they then go on again to hug – usually around my neck which means my face, hair, and coat are contaminated, along with my hand also being contaminated, meaning a discrete squeeze of anti-bacterial gel is needed from my handbag.

anti-bacterial gel for clean hands

 

This Friday three different people over the evening did this unwanted hugging – one man I hardly knew, but he took a shine to me and was trying to console me for (my last post) a recent shop-lifting experience in my shop!  Was the friendly chats and catch-up worth the massively raised anxiety, to the point of tears, for me?

The hug and cheek kiss mean absolutely nothing to them, and they don’t seem to understand how the hug is not recipricated – I freeze and a look of horror or panic comes over my face.  Is that internal, and maybe I am a better actress than I ever intend to be, and it’s not what they perceive?

I’m not sure if the alcohol consumed during this stressful evening out helped me or hindered me, but one thing that struck me was that there should be a clear way of demonstrating that hugging is not welcomed by me with my condition and I need to make that abundantly obvious to the other person before they lunge in for a hug and kiss.  Should I wear a badge?  Should I have a hair decoration/clip that says “Do not hug me”?

I went home and scrubbed my hair, my face, and my coat – anything that had come into contact with unwanted contact by people that are perfectly nice, but unknowingly inconsiderate to my illness.  After this I began to search the internet for solutions.  This is the best product I could find and ordered off Amazon.

I do not like hugs badge

 

It is a bit pathetic.  A bit basic and ugly.  An awful colour.  Not a very good explanation.  Should I add a second badge that says ‘I have OCD’- would that make me look like a badge fanatic?  I’m not convinced this is the best way forward, however it might stop the hugs and therefore better than not trying anything?  How can us sufferers of OCD make it acceptable to be able to say “Please don’t hug or kiss me as it spoils my social occasion and causes me a huge amount of extra anxiety, washing and cleaning, which I’m sure you aren’t intending to give me”.

Wouldn’t it be an ideal world if I could wear a pretty badge, of lets say a daisy with a petal out of place, that represents an ‘OCDaisy Don’t’ message.  A loud and clearly recognised symbol so that an embarrassing conversation doesn’t have to take place.

I would happily champion a worthy cause like this, but how do I begin to get energy behind it?

 

 

 

OCD therapy did not work for me

But it might work for you hopefully!

I didn’t give it long enough.  I didn’t attend enough sessions.  I didn’t enjoy the hour long therapy sessions.  I didn’t dedicate enough faith in the homework set.  I didn’t apply mindfulness or meditation successfully.  I failed at making private therapy work for me, after half my life has been detrimentally impacted by it.

I doubt I will ever be free of OCD.

I am very interested, and therefore aware, of body language and the interactions I have with people.  Therefore I found myself distracted whilst in therapy about how the therapist was responding to what I was confessing – it was obviously uncomfortable for me to pour my inner thoughts out.  I felt mentally exposed and embarrassed to be truthful.  What I also felt uncomfortable about was seeing yawns being suffocated, and being distracted by a strange tapping on the notebook by the very experienced therapist and expert sitting opposite me.  I’m sure the therapist I visited had heard it all before, but it was not encouraging enough for me to continue spending money and feeling absolutely no improvements at all.

One piece of advice that I will always remember being given from the therapy experience in 2018 is …

OCD is a full time job.  How right that is.  I suppose it depends on the severity of the condition, but I can relate to this statement and consider it worthy of consideration when I’m not coping too well.

I consider my mind to be like a washing machine, swirling around continuously, and not just for the usual hour or two of a washing machine cycle.  My thoughts are hard to ignore but add in a worry and it’s as if you’ve added a red sock into a white wash – all thoughts are tainted.

Swirling tainted thoughts
OCD thoughts are like a washing machine                with a red sock in a white wash

The obsessive element of this condition is probably more troublesome than the compulsions because whilst you can try numerous tactics not to carry out a compulsion (like checking, double checking, or washing your hands) you can’t stop intrusive and disruptive thoughts attacking your necessary everyday thinking to be able to function as a human.

OCD is generally categorised as thinking continually about germs, contamination, harm etc which IT IS, however additionally (with my condition anyway) I can have something bothering me that I just can’t stop thinking about, not just for an hour, two hours, four hours, it lasts for at least the rest of that day or more. Swirling and tainting every thought.

Here is an example:  Today I discovered that a shop-lifter had stolen a £30 item from the little independent village shop I own and run.  How could anyone be so brazen?  I would have been sitting eight feet from the large item that was stolen – why target my shop?  Did they have a bag to put the ornament in?  Did they have a big coat to hide it in?  I always try to be engaging when customers enter the shop so did they respond in a friendly way and then as soon as my eyes were distracted they took the opportunity?  Did they dislike me?  Will they come back and do it again because it was easy?  What other small things have gone missing that I’ve not noticed yet?

I try talking it through with family, I try to put context to it “it’s only £30” but whilst other people are able to ‘put the thought to bed’ I just cannot.  This tainted thought then grows arms and legs to anything else I need to deal with that day until I get overwhelmed with negativity.  I like to think I try to be positive and optimistic whenever possible, but this powerful tainted thought overtakes – today it is about a shop-lifted ornament, tomorrow it will be another worry plus the shop-lifted ornament.

Above I mentioned a red sock in a white wash, but that would make the clothes pink which is a cheerful colour.  I should have said a black sock in a white wash because then the end result is grey – that is what OCD does – it makes your day grey (I’m a poet and I didn’t know it) smiley face emoticon.

Worry makes the day tainted
Stop having a grey day with an              Obsessive Mind Overload

World Mental Health Day

Image result for world mental health day

Today, 10th October 2018, is a reminder to the public to be aware, I don’t need to be reminded about mental health however it is useful that it reminded me that I must update this site more frequently.

Those of us that live daily with mental health issues are so busy coping, that this special day for awareness should be an opportunity to pass on a message for help, understanding or even just a little more patience from family and friends around us.  In my case, with this OCD Exposed site, I have the opportunity to reach readers across the world.

Therefore …

Since my last post in June, I took a big step forward by reaching out for therapy with a professional, in fact a professor.  During the last few months my emotions have been heightened as I delved into:

  • explaining out loud to a complete stranger, how I do live with OCD – e.g. how many hand washes per day;
  • what do I do differently with my peculiar behaviours – what is the rationale behind them;
  • why do I behave differently – what am I hoping to achieve by behaving differently;
  • what is the benefit to my OCD behaviours – am I happy when I’ve performed them;
  • how can I slowly, but surely, stop doing my OCD behaviours – baby steps leading to steps;
  • what do I want to achieve through therapy – picking off the most difficult or annoying behaviours;
  • how does my OCD impact the people I love – is it self-indulgent to impose my OCD on them;
  • what would I like my life to be like with the help of therapy – picture life without (some of my) OCD.

As you can imagine, this calls for a great deal of reflection (and imagination too regarding a potential future)!

Therapy has stirred up all my insecurities, and has eroded what little confidence I had a few months ago – it is as if I am exposing the inside of my head to someone who is paid to listen, even though I have chosen that person and have a great deal of respect for their experience and knowledge.

With my sensible hat on, I tell myself that it is probable that ‘things have to get worse, before they can get better’ and ‘no pain, no gain’.  The daily grind and effort I put into obsessive compulsive behaviours needs to be transferred as energy I put into making my therapy a success in exposing, and reducing, the anxiety that causes me to behave differently to 97% of the population.

This post is my contribution to World Mental Health Day.

 

 

Yikes, what a big step

In my last post I mentioned how angry I was feeling with my OCD, and wondered if it was time to seek some solutions, probably therapy, and likely CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy).

 

Confused thinking about OCD

 

Well I’ve only gone and got that ball rolling at long last!!

I spent hours trawling information on numerous websites, and (everyone’s favourite) Google searches, looking for the differences between therapists, psychologists, counsellors, psychoanalysts – what did I need?

  • Do I want to understand why I have OCD?
  • What life experiences could have increased the likelihood of me developing OCD?
  • Is the cause relevant to the treatment?
  • Do I want to delve into the why, when my belief has always been that this doesn’t matter it only matters how it can be treated to remove it?  Don’t look back just look forward is what I’ve always said.

I think I know the process for treatment if I visit my doctor and ask for help via the NHS, but also knowing that it could take months on a waiting list, I wanted to “strike whilst the iron’s hot” and go down the private route – after all it’s been 11 years since I apathetically, and therefore unsuccessfully, visited a psychotherapist for about 5 sessions of an hour.  I’ve had OCD for 28 years, with unsuccessful medication trying to help for half of that period, so it is hard-wired and severe (in my humble opinion).

I then thought maybe if I look at the possible treatments available it may lead me to the title and necessary credentials of the person that could adminster it and ….   I really hope to find someone that specialises in all the different traits of OCD I have e.g. contamination, checking, rumination, worry, (mild) hoarding, reassurance etc.

One thing I know I am not interested in is ERP (Exposure Prevention Response) Therapy – I will not be told to look at a toilet with the end goal to be coaxed to lick the toilet seat, as seen on television programmes about treatments!!

However cloudy that research was, it was then confused further by where that professional was based in relation to my home location – London is clearly the place to be to get the best help but as I find it difficult to leave home for more than a couple of hours because I need my own toilet, it is out of the question.

I found out:

  • There are websites out there that you can add your postcode and email address to and they will find the nearest professional to help you – some charge a small fee that will include an initial discussion between you, the OCD sufferer, and the professional involved.
  • Distance counselling (via phone and email) is available for those unable to leave their home, however it isn’t ideal because body language cannot be taken into consideration.
  • A great many professionals treating OCD provide an initial discussion to see if you think you will ‘click’ and feel comfortable to continue receiving their help/advice/treatment.

 

Help needed for OCD

 

There was a massive amount of information to sift through, but I didn’t find anything worth pursuing (unfortunately I think?) but at least I could say that I’d spent several hours exploring treatment.  However …..

The next day whilst chatting with my daughter I tearfully admitted that I had recently been coming around to the idea of therapy and that I’d made the big step to look at what treatment I could have, and who would need to provide it, but had not come to any conclusions.  She works in a mental health facility and studies psychology and had been waited for decades to hear those words come out of my mouth.

Within an hour she had sent me a detailed email.  She had found no less than a PROFESSOR to treat me, he has all the experience and credentials I could wish for, he is based in my local town, and at a cost within budget.  As a bonus the consulting room shown on the website link she sent me even has leather seats (a huge relief to me as you’ll know if you’ve read my previous posts).  What possible excuses do I now have?  All my boxes to start therapy are ticked.

The pace of change is faster than I anticipated, but strangely I am surprising myself at how calm I am about these speedy developments.  I keep thinking of wise words like “A long journey begins with the first step” and “Change is not a destination but a journey” and I am a big advocate of change is good as I used to be a Change Manager.  I don’t know if these are accurate quotes to be able to attribute the originator/author, but …

Change, journey, steps are all words that are helping me to summon up the strength to pick up the phone and call the practice to start dialogue about making an appointment with a professor that could change my life for the better, and could help me become the person I was before the bully OCD took over.

 

OCD help

When will enough be enough

It’s a couple of months since I wrote a post, as I do try to live in denial that it wrecks normal day to day activities, but last night I was so angry that I have to live with OCD that I was motivated to share how annoying this (expletives galore) condition makes normal living.

Because my OCD manifests itself with handwash after handwash every hour of the day, it is important to plan the most mundane of activities to minimise how many times I have to go through this palaver.  So obviously tasks need to be done in the order of dirtiness e.g. empty the dishwasher immediately after you’ve washed your hands and don’t get distracted by anything else like putting the kettle on or moving items in the pantry.  This means continually thinking about the order of jobs that need doing and often I plan them in my head before launching into everyday tasks.

In this exacting order, it stands to reason that once I’ve sat down on my germ-free sofa, with my germ-free dinner plate and germ-free glass of juice, I don’t want to get up to add salt and pepper from shakers that are not germ-free.  I therefore work out everything I need once I’ve sat down with freshly washed hands to enjoy a couple of hours relaxing (both physically and mentally) in front of the TV with my dinner, dessert and drink.

Last night was no different, I filled my juice glass, I filled my wine glass, I selected my knife and fork – all lined up on my sofa side-table ready to sit down.  I added salt and pepper to my dinner and washed my hands ready to enjoy my meal on my germ-free sofa.  But ….

OCD Happy knitting on sofa
germ-free sofa

After I’d enjoyed my meal I realised I had forgotten to get my dessert prepared in a germ-free way on my side-table.  I decided I was thoroughly sick of washing my hands that day and that I could get some kitchen roll to tip up the opened tube of Toblerone chocolate to extract the foiled wrapped (meaning germ-free) chocolate.  Alas, as I used the kitchen roll to up end the tube of chocolate my hand accidentally touched the outer dirty germ-ridden wrapping.  I told myself that it was only a small amount and for a nano-second, so with my “mind-over-matter” strength I should live with this and not feel the need to rush to the sink to wash the germs off my hand.

Even though I knew this was a difficult dilema, as I went to sit back down on my sofa ….  I slightly bumped the side-table with my big backside and knocked the (expletive) TV remote control onto the floor!  Aaagghh now the remote control is filthy dirty and I needed to clean it with “Kills 99% of all germs” spray, and then wash my hands AGAIN!

 

Germs OCD frustration

 

There is absolutely no escaping this nightmare thinking that OCD causes, minute after minute, hour after hour and day after day – I HATE OCD and feel so angry, which leads to being very upset.  I wish my mentality was “don’t get angry, get even” all I ever end up doing is dissolving into buckets of tears after I get angry.

I try to rationalise my OCD by telling myself how it isn’t that serious, it isn’t living with cancer or a similarly serious condition – at the end of the day it is within my control to kick it’s backside into touch, but I haven’t been able to for approximately 30 years.  Should I give therapy with a professional a try?  Should I put as much effort into a solution, as I do into planning how to minimise washing my hands?  It’s so tiring living with this, my brain is tired out, and yet I’ve not done anything useful or lucrative to cause my brain to be so tired.  Should I just be grateful to be alive and able to see beautiful skies, the waves of the sea, and the birds sitting on my patio?

OCD Exposed

 

 

Shopping

I know I’m naughty to continually want to shop.  I am at my happiest when shopping, even if it’s for mundane groceries – any excuse to get myself off to the shops.  I can’t wait for it to be someone’s birthday, anniversary or Christmas so that I can ‘shop ’til I drop’ and burn off calories in the process.  On top of that the internet has made it possible for me to shop 24×7, 365 days a year, even from the comfort of my sofa.

I even bought a house so that I could return the largest room back into a shop, so that I can shop for stock!  I was in paradise shopping for stock that I hoped customers would want to buy at a marginal profit, to earn a small living.  I think the economy improved from 2013 until December 2017 with all the shopping I efficiently performed.

I started to get concerned that my spending on stock was equaling (if not exceeding) my income from sales, and eventually I slowly but surely came to the realization that my ‘little shop’ was costing me money and heartache – the heartache is a whole other story that I’ll write about another time.

So as the holiday period for Christmas 2017 arrived I took the decision to close the shop and not reopen it in January 2018.  The fall out from this decision has meant that I’ve desperately needed to go on an economy drive and it was suggested to me that I keep a spreadsheet of ALL my spending, oh boy that was a nasty shock.

Because of my economy-drive and the accountability of even £1 spent, I’ve really appreciated how reckless my spending has been for many many years.  The end result is:

  • My shop is full to over-flowing with stock, that currently has no access to customers purchasing any of it – so bang goes birthday or Christmas present shopping for many years to come, as I’ll have to use up my stock and hope the relatives and friends don’t notice.
  • There is too much stock in the shop to revert the space back to a living room (as it was when I bought the property) and the rafters would struggle under the weight if it was all put into the attic, plus that space is full to capacity with previous years spending.
  • My personal cupboards, drawers, wardrobes, ottomans, and shelves are full to breaking point with all my “treasures” and supplies of every conceivable consumable from hand wash to stationery – a woman can’t run out of toiletries and post-it notes or envelopes, but I could supply the whole village in the likelihood of an alien invasion.

Cupboards rammed full

Over the last six weeks I’ve come to realize that I do have a shopping problem – to say I love “retail therapy” or that I’m a “shopoholic” is not a funny throw-away comment anymore.  It can’t be right that I look forward to running low on butter or toilet rolls so that I can have an excuse to go to the supermarket, but as you no doubt experience yourself, hardly anyone, especially a shopoholic like myself, can walk into a supermarket and not be tempted to buy more than you went for.

I thought I’d read a great deal about OCD, but clearly not because yesterday I was surprised about how big a problem shopping can be for sufferers – the condition is named monomania or Compulsive Buying Disorder.

It must be incredibly painful for people with OCD that absolutely dread having to go shopping, perhaps because too many people are in an aisle and can be off-putting that they’ll brush against them, or the process of even getting to the shops is too traumatic.  I read that the packaging being perfect is a worry, that there can be no sign of tampering and that the item being bought needs to “feel right”, both at the shelf and then again at the conveyor belt/till.

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/forum

On the OCD Action forum (see link above) I read how one lady was checking packets of toilet rolls for split/damaged packaging and was then horrified to see a colleague watching her.  She covered her embarrassment by saying she had seen a competition on the wrapping last time she bought the rolls, and was looking for it on the packaging again!  Us people with OCD need to be so creative with our excuses to hide our true behaviours, and it is sad in my opinion.

I do suffer with the above problems – always vigilant about the distance kept from strangers (if they touch me accidentally they don’t realise my outer garment will need washing), never touching the shelving or conveyor belts and never touching the handle on the trolley (I use the metal frame).  I always take items from the middle to ensure that the least fingers have touched the item and that the potential for it to have been picked up off the floor after dropping off the shelf is minimised.

All of that said though, the pleasure of shopping for me outweighs the OCD inconveniences.

If you would like to read more information about this subject, the link below is very useful.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1805733/

 

 

 

 

 

Retail challenge

Over the last few days I have found a new challenge when it comes to shopping – I cannot purchase wool to knit with that is wrapped and not exposed to dirty fingers.  Has the ball of wool been dropped on the floor in the factory or the shop?  Did the shelf-filler wash their hands after the toilet?  Have lots of customers touched the wool?  Will the counter top at the till be clean to place my ball of wool on?  Germs, and then contaminated wool.

I’m prepared to buy more wool than I require (a bale? of wool, or a packet of 12 balls), as long as it is in protected cellophane.  I can tell you that this simple product seems impossible to find.

I’ve trawled around the usual shops likely to sell wool, starting on Sunday afternoon followed by Monday searching on-line with Amazon and Ebay, but even with their huge choice I couldn’t find chunky wool photographed in cellophane, so that I can buy it and get started on knitting a throw.  It would also appear that there aren’t any wool shops near, or in a 15 mile radius of my address after Googling this need for wool.

I have it in my head that I need to knit to distract my wondering and frustrated mind in the evenings, whilst sitting on my ‘OCD clean white sofa’.  Nothing (and definitely no one) gets to be on my sofa unless it is extremely clean – there is a 12 inch exclusion zone – even I have to change my clothes to sit on my sofa!

 

Help with my OCD

 

This is when my OCD infuriates me because I won’t settle until I’ve located wool that is wrapped.  I tell myself to let it drop, and pick up another hobby, but the bully keeps reminding me like an itch that needs to be scratched.  The message rolling over and over in my mind is “it can’t be impossible to find wool that is wrapped – picture the contentment of knitting on my sofa with clean wool that hasn’t been touched by dirty hands”.

After many hours of hunting on-line, I decide to hit the crafting sections of The Range and Hobbycraft but with no joy.  I asked in Hobbycraft last night if they have ANY wool in the storeroom that hasn’t been unpackaged and needs to be put on the huge array of shelves holding wool, but “No everything is out” I was told.  Can this really be true, or is the assistant too lazy to look.  I decide to bear all and say “I have OCD and therefore cannot buy the wool on display” but I received a blank look and no sign of compassion for my conundrum.

Now being a fussy person, I was actually looking for chunky pale green wool with flecks of pink and yellow to match my decor in the living room, but by now I would compromise my colour scheme in order to buy wool protected from the elements – is this so hard, wool, I need wool, clean protected wool of any description!

In desperation at 7.30 p.m. I try the more bizarre options for one-off offers in Poundland, and Lidl – I was amazed to see that Poundland had wool – not the colour or thickness I’d choose but “beggars can’t be choosers” as the saying goes.  However, upon asking the shop assistant I’m again told “no all the wool we have is out on display”.

I put my thinking cap on and wonder if a work-around solution to this crazy annoyance would be to buy the wool I loved in Hobbycraft (yes they actually had pale green with pastel flecks) and put it in the washing machine, in a pillowcase.  Odd I know, but I have done this in the past but because you take the paper label off from around the middle, it just goes crazy in the pillowcase and I spent hours untangling and re-rolling it into a ball.  I decided that much as I love the wool, I am very likely to buy it (being a shopoholic) and put it in a ‘safe place’ waiting to be brave, or is that daft, enough to risk the whisking up it gets in a washing machine.

Today is day three of the finding clean wool challenge and unfortunately my OCD mind hasn’t stopped berating me so I ended up mooching through drawers upon drawers of goodies I’ve stock piled over the years with crafting projects and pretty haberdashery, in the hope that I’ve some remaining wool from previous knit-feasts I’ve embarked on.

Joy upon joy, I find wool!  Each ball is individually wrapped, and then in a cellophane bag that I bought from John Lewis a few years ago – thank you John Lewis.  It may not be pale green with pink flecks, but hey isn’t a muddy grey colour a good substitute?  No clearly it isn’t, and I won’t enjoy the end product nearly as much, and it’ll play on my mind each and every hour of the project I sit knitting, and I will continue to pursue my quest to find the right wool in a protected packet because that is what OCD living is like.

If you can help me find a supplier that sells OCD friendly wool, please get in touch and put me out of this misery.

OCD Happy knitting

Back to blogging

It’s been a long break, but I’m back to share my experiences.  What a journey the last couple of years has been.

The saddest time was losing my brother to cancer, within a matter of weeks, when he was really enjoying life in his fifties.  He hardly ever saw a doctor and always appeared to me to be a big strong healthy man with a wonderful nature, that didn’t moan or speak ill of anyone – he never argued with anyone ever, therefore he was loved by all family and friends.  Life can be so cruel to take people like him, so quickly and so early, but it proves how much he was loved by the amount he is missed every day by so many.

Nothing I can write on this site or in my book about how difficult OCD makes life will be at all significant in comparison to this loss – losing a close family member you love puts all of life into context and the lesson I’ve learnt from this sad event is that I must be grateful for every day I am on this planet.

I recently read a quote by Pablo Picasso that keeps drifting through my mind:

The meaning of life is to find your gift.  The purpose of life is to give it away.

My brother’s gift to me was to remind me that life is very precious and mustn’t be taken for granted.

I have interpreted this to mean that I must not hide away, or be ashamed of having OCD, and I must make my purpose to be that I share my experiences with others that are interested, no matter how embarrassed or uncomfortably exposed I feel.  There are many of us that live with OCD, but there is only one of me, with my personal challenges and unique solutions, and if I don’t share them here I may never be of use to anyone else – that would be a waste.

 

 

Checking

In previous explanations of my OCD I’ve exposed some of the antics of my ‘worry OCD bully’, but not the ‘checking bully’.

Worry worry worry
Worry worry worry

I do work constantly on trying to fight back against this one, but the weight of responsibility makes me buckle, such as locking my (valuable) car and (my biggest valuable) house door when leaving, and then returning for a cheeky re-check.  I feel conspicuous when I walk back to re-check my car doors, because on CCTV I could look like someone trying to break in to the car!

Leaving my home for more than a few hours means several checks of doors, windows and taps but when I go on holiday it involves far more lengthy checks and double checks of:

1.  Are all the plugs switched off?

2.  Is the fridge door closed properly?  Push it and then stare for several seconds (just to ensure my eyes don’t deceive me).

3.  Is the water heater off?  This means staring at the on/off switch for several seconds and then touching it to check followed by more staring to ensure I didn’t move the switch by accident.

4.  Is the television plug removed?

5.  Is the washing machine switched off?

6.  Ensure there are no small appliances plugged in e.g. irons, hair curlers etc?

7.  Are all the taps in the house turned off and the plugs nowhere near the plug-hole?  Now due to my ‘contamination OCD bully’ we now have two bathrooms, shower room, cloakroom and obviously kitchen, meaning 14 taps and seven plug-holes in total!

This takes a great deal of staring followed by my hand underneath to check my eyes aren’t being deceived, by the transparency of water, and then more staring and a counting ritual.  Each tap is given a number (which is always an even number) and counting to that number whilst staring e.g. one, two, three, four, five, six.  I continue wandering around the house checking and if I’m very whittled I go back to the tap and count through to that number again.  My mind has to be comfortable with the level of checking before I can head for the door.

Transparency of drips
Transparency of drips

9.  And finally … Locking the door?  Once locked and the key removed I try the handle whilst counting to a number (2, 4, 6, 8, 10 or 12) and if worried return to the door and recount to that same number again whilst trying the handle – this is not helpful for the longevity of the handle and my partner goes potty when he catches me doing this!

I have read many books on OCD, the potential causes, and the most effective fixes, so I am aware that I do not trust the message being sent from my eyes to my brain that for instance the tap is not dripping, meaning I stare, or put my hand under the tap – presumably a trust issue?  As I mentioned at the start, I am trying to kick-the-butt of this ‘checking OCD bully’ on a daily basis, but ….

Thank goodness I’m not working set hours for someone else, because when I did have a pressurised job with lots of responsibility I would go through the above checks and then be half-way through my journey to work and start to panic that I’d missed a check, or not done it thoroughly enough.  Was I preoccupied when I left the house and the vision I have in my head of locking the door was from yesterday?  I would imagine the house being burgled and thieves going through my personal belongings, so I would turn the car around a.s.a.p. to go back and re-check.

U-turn the car back home
U-turn the car back home

I should say at this point, that so far, returning to double-check something worrying me has not been fruitful – I have never found a sink full of water at the point of starting to drip onto the floor and flood everywhere, or the door left unlocked or worse still left open with cats and dogs roaming in, doing wees and poos everywhere and then leaving.  Recently the worse thing I have found is the washing machine was not checked (by my partner !!) so it was flashing as finished even though the contents had been removed.

On occasions I fought this instinct to return home, but it would play on my mind for several hours meaning extra pressure to the job, but obviously when I did take the time to return home it would make me late for work and then I faced those consequences.  Even though the company operated ‘flexi’ hours (thank goodness), this generally meant cutting comments like “Morning part-timer” or “Had trouble getting out of bed today”.  This is what OCD sufferers contend with rather than face the ridicule of explaining the life they have to live with this condition – it is so sad.

Worry

Obsessive Chair Disorder

I don’t want to be flippant but my partner has to continually remind me that I have a propensity to purchase a disproportionate amount of firm, wood, plastic, or leather chairs – we have them sprinkled around the house and stock piled in the garage – rockers, antiques, modern, stools all shapes and sizes.  The ones reserved for me, even patio chairs,  have pretty little ribbons tied on to remind the family not to use them.

Obsessive Chair Disorder
Obsessive Chair Disorder

I hadn’t realised how obsessed with chairs I’ve become until he pointed it out recently, so I started to wonder why this might be.  The best reason I can think of is that I am fixated about “OCD Friendly” chairs whenever I am out of the house, and in it for that matter!

I can’t bear the thought of sitting on a spongy, sweaty bottom, germ-riddened cushioned seat, so I’m always looking for a hard seat that can be cleaned easily and doesn’t absorb nasties from an undesirable part of the human anatomy.  I really do remember the wonderful feeling of being cuddled into a fabric armchair, but that was before my OCD bully arrived in my life.

I cringe when I watch people touching the seats of chairs, or sitting on their hands yuk.  Young toddlers love to climb onto them and one of my friends has a young son that likes nothing more than having a little nod in our local restaurant whilst kneeling in front of a chair and resting his head and arms on the seat aagghh!

Some unfortunates have incontinence, or haemorrhoids, or are simply just not that clean, and there is only a thin layer or two between that area and the chair.  What can be worse than seating down and finding the seat warm from the last person’s backside.  You can imagine how doctors surgeries, dentists, pubs, hotels, restaurants and other peoples houses present problems for me – I regularly say “I’m fine standing thanks” but this has lead to embarrassing situations.

I avoid (like the plague) having to go to the doctors or dentists, but when I really can’t put it off, I stand up and read the posters and leaflets dotted around on the walls – for one full hour on one occasion – I must have looked ridiculous, especially when the receptionist said “Please take a seat as there is a long delay”.  I made a pathetic excuse up that I was suffering with a bad back!  I hope she didn’t check my medical records and find out that was a lie, but this is the kind of pretending us people with OCD need to do on a daily basis.

Public transport, including planes, is too difficult for me to use because unless I can afford first class tickets, they always involve that awful smelly velour covering, so travelling has to be made via my own transport meaning I will never see the USA or anywhere to the left of the UK on an atlas unfortunately.  I can do the right of the UK on an atlas by taking my mobile home on the Cross Channel Ferry or Eurostar to Europe, and then keep driving, even as far as the Far East!

Getting a lift (especially to a pub or restaurant so that I can have a glass of wine to relax) with family or friends  presents problems because I can’t rudely ask “Do you have leather seats?” so recently I’ve dared to take a plastic rubbish bin liner with me to put down on the car seat.  I suspect they are probably offended but I do this in my own car now we don’t have leather seats.  Love me, love my bin liner I’m afraid.

Toilets away from home are my worst nightmare, with spongy soft chairs coming in a close second place.  My family and friends have latched on to this now and regularly say “You’d like it at xxxx because they have OCD friendly chairs”.  My close relatives are patient enough to keep me my own hard chair in their house for visits bless them.  So there we have it, I think this must be the reason I spend hours looking at chairs to buy and surround myself with.

You can't have enough chairs
You can’t have enough chairs